Last Nights Grime

Dear “Tetris 99,”

You’re driving me up a f–kin’ wall. Fer real.

They say in this world, nothing comes easy. Yeah–well, that annoying remark goes double, maybe triple, for a win in “Tetris 99.” At no point do you feel like you are about to get the dub. Not at ANY point. The classic tile revamped as a BR is a killer.

Incoming is a big however, I literally cannot stop playing. Even when it means loss after loss after loss. In the words of DJ Khaled, “another one,” for hours on end. So many consecutive games that the mind runs red with descending shapes. Through the day I’ll catch myself daydreaming about better builds.

Why does this hopeless game have me in its clutches? There’s basically no way to win, yet try I must. “Tetris 99,” please, you’re doing me dirty with this emotional rollercoaster that seems to only end in sadness.

Most importantly, plebs–you, me and the like–need some sort of easy mode. “Tetris 99” would be better for it, swear on me mum. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s back to being rekt’d.

Love,

LNG

Seemingly in the night, the main brain behind the PS5, Mark Cerny, gave a tell all about the next-gen system to Wired.com. Read the full exclusive here. My excitement is all consuming…

To begin with, the technical specs are not only impossible to understand but just annoying. Here’s a snippet from the Wired piece:

The CPU is based on the third generation of AMD’s Ryzen line and contains eight cores of the company’s new 7nm Zen 2 microarchitecture. The GPU, a custom variant of Radeon’s Navi family, will support ray tracing, a technique that models the travel of light to simulate complex interactions in 3D environments.

See, it’s crazy.

Below is a list of the PS5’s exciting features for gentle weebs:

1. Backwards compatibility with PS4 games.
2. A better hard drive that will decrease the length of load times.
3. Next-level audio!

Of course, the graphics are going to be improved like crazy. A high-tech ditty called ray tracing is all the rage. In my mind, graphics will always get an upgrade, therefore they didn’t make the last.

Anyway, this pleb breakdown should be of help. Who else can’t wait for more details about the system?!

Remember being young–broke AF–during Christmas or Hanukkah or any gift-giving holiday and receiving a video game as a present? I vividly remember scoring “Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater” for the PS1 over Christmas. Fun moments like that are seared into my brain like a tasty halibut.

It’s a damn fine feel. One that I’ve recently been fortunate enough to experience again at a much older age. My fiancee lovingly decided to surprise me with “Sekiro”–a new From Software title I had a major hankering for.

Enjoy the feeling of unconditional love because it’s the best. Currently sitting her thinking, how did this weeb gumbo get so lucky?

45 minutes into “Sekiro,” barely out of the no-so-fluffy tutorial zone, and I already know I’m in a world of hurt. But guess what? I’m gunna beat it! That’s an LNG promise to my gift-giving fiancee. Thanks again, love!

Whether I’m playing “Final Fantasy 7” or “Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice,” it’s basically impossible to suppress my overthinking. It’s exhausting.

Should I get one more slash in on this giant enemy? Does this piece of armer give me better defense–ah, I’ll just hold off on equipping it. What should my party composition be? All attack? Attack plus healer? Long range? Short range? Lemme build my armer real fast. Should I put together this elf set with dwarf boots? Like wtf all together?

It’s a sad existence when a real world problem like overthinking bleeds into the virtual world. Without question, the onslaught of thoughts hurts my game, at least the enjoyment factor. I love gaming, so even the mere thought of giving up on them because of thoughts is silly to me.

In an ideal world, playing games would be an absolutely chill. Problem solving wouldn’t come with a severe case of over-heated brain.

Maybe more G Fuel, coffee and Cokes are in order. Not on that A game. Get chapped.

Call me old fashioned, but the battle pass for “Apex Legends” kinda chugs nuts.

Not doing my research on this one bit me in the ass, guys. I figured buying the pass for $9.50 USD would, of course, include the new character, Octane. Well, it doesn’t. Easily the biggest disappointment about the thing.

Inside the battle pass, snookered players like myself will notice a large assortment of lackluster skins for guns and Legends alike. Most of which will only be unlocked after what appears to be hours-upon-hours of grinding. Don’t go into the purchase expecting giveaways.

Crazy admission alert! It’s safe to say that “Fortnite” aka “Bros Intro to Video Games” has “Apex” beat in the battle pass department. At least “Fortnite” offers challenges that make the grind to achieve max level a little more tolerable.

“Apex Legends” just needs to find its own battle pass style. It is season 1, after all.

And honestly, “Apex” is so damn fun.

Streamers are starting to show off the cracks in “Apex Legends.” Respawn’s new free-to-play couldn’t be more impressive right out the gate, but these nagging bugs are piling up. Honestly, I started to write this piece when the bugs were running rampant.

Below is a compilation of said buggerinos. Like I said before, this was written a little while ago so some of the bugs may be already patched which is a good thing honestly!

@PlayApex hello I found this today would be bug or glitch ? pic.twitter.com/7k5osbHLsT

— Lucas Moraes (@Lux_Oliveira97) February 25, 2019

ok so there is a bug with the redeploy balloons and holding the grenade wheel down and this happened. (ignore the brightness) @PlayApex pic.twitter.com/lALesS5VJC

— hydro (@Tx_Hydro) February 22, 2019

We had an… interesting knockdown bug happen while streaming last night, firing at same time as getting knocked + healing/phoenix is the cause or? 🤔#ApexLegends #Apex pic.twitter.com/Ly1E1Hy9I7

— Zefside (@zefsideOW) February 19, 2019

Those are just a few of the many that have been uncovered! Respawn has done a good job getting them fixed up. With more updates on the way for “Apex,” the game could get a case of the “Fortnite.” Where everything gets more and more wonky. Fingers crossed that isn’t the case here.

Ha, suckers! Get 5 loot boxes aka Apex Packs and a sick skin for Pathfinder aka Zipline Boi, all for a measly amount of $data_mine.99. Like, yes please! It’s easy: link your Twitch account to your Amazon Prime account which you then link to your EA account and voilà–you’ve been data mined to all hell but now have dope loot for “Apex Legends.”

EA is part owner of all my profitable ventures for the rest of my life, but I scored a legendary Mozambique skin in 1 of the 5 “free” packs. Oh yeah, I also landed voice line for Gibraltar. Hella worth.

Lol, I’m trolling, in all seriousness, go get the loot while you can.

*Side convo with EA exec:

LNG: Okay, I told the plebs to invest in the “Apex Legends” loot. It’s time to discuss my payment. That’ll be a 6-pack of rootbeer and a case of G Fuel.

EA exec: You will be paid in good time, LNG. We begin operation, BIG DATA MINE 2019!!!

Never in a million years would I think I would need a “Tetris” battle royale game in my life. Alas, here we are, “Tetris 99” is a real thing conjured up from the folks at Nintendo. The game is practically a meme, but it’s awesome!

Over the Shoulder With a Twist

To me, “Tetris” has never felt like a very competitive experience. “Tetris 99” will turn the most casual Tetrition into a frothing maniac from the thrill of the contest. So how does the game do it? The music and oddly complex battle system.

After clearing more than 2 or more lines, these junk blocks are sent to opposing players’ boards. Most of the time the junk blocks are hitting my board though. Not fun. All the while, intense music blasts in my ears.

Game’s Hard

What I didn’t know stepping into the “Tetris” arena with 98 other jabronies is this: they are low-key pros. Did I not play enough “Tetris” on my TI-83 in bio class or something? I’m scrubbing the goddamn decks in these matches. Being kicked around like a littered Coke can. Pressure cooker bombed into oblivion. Have I made myself clear? I’ve become obsessed with the challenge of getting a win–but it feels like a pipe dream.

Despite “Tetris 99’s” crippling difficulty, playing it is a blast. The fuckin’ thing is free too. So gobble it up.